Decisions

Have you ever felt God talking to you, calling you to do something, yet you choose to ignore Him?

For the past year I have felt that God has been calling me to be a better mom. Like my good friend Father Deusterhaus says "God calls you to be a great mom, not a good one." Well, lately I've been a good mom period. I am being pulled in too many directions. School and work are taking up a lot of my time. Yes, I am blessed to have a job where I can work mostly from home, but it still takes me away from my family. I am physically there, but not really present. And school, I've dreamed of being a nurse for a very long time and I am only three classes away from being in nursing school, so why would God choose to call me to do something else when I am sooooo close?

Late at night, when I am alone with my thoughts, I feel this yearning in my heart for a simpler life. I think back at times when my children were younger and they make me smile. I miss playdates, naps, and our daytime routine. I miss leisure. Right now my life is structured, but in a way that leaves very little time for leisure. I guess I miss JUST being a stay-at-home mom. However, I am scared to give up the dream. I've worked so hard. Have learned things in school that I thought I was incapable of learning. When the sun is up and life kicks in, God's voice dims and I give into society. I give into the notion that being a mom is just not enough. In school I feel smart. I feel vigorous and want more. However, I feel that what God is calling me to do, is dramatic. It's not just about me ending my schooling and quitting me job. If you can believe, its bigger than that. I feel that He is calling me to something extraordinary - what that is, I am yet to find out.

Sometimes I question, "is God really talking to me?" or is it mommy guilt that is making me feel like quitting my dream. I honestly don't know. I am being very candid here because I want input. I am at a crossroads and don't know what to do.

Pray for me that I may listen with my heart.