Anxiously Awaiting

Within the past few days my husband and I have been preparing for our new arrival.

As my birthday / Christmas present he has indulged me in redecorating our bedroom and buying our baby's big ticket items.  On New Year's Eve we adorned our bed with the new bedding he got me, put together the baby cocoon (co-sleeper swing) and installed our new entertainment / dresser with the help of our wonderful neighbor, who helped carry the heavy piece upstairs and into our bedroom.  Along with that, I detailed the bathroom and did most of the laundry.  Tomorrow I will clean out the fridge, go food shopping, and cook some meals to freeze. Hmmm, nesting perhaps?

I now sit here and look around the beautiful room that was made possible by my husband, and I am grateful.  Along with gratefulness comes the realization that this is all in preparation for a new life.  Yes, I've had over nine months to digest this, but I really haven't.  Seeing all of the baby stuff now makes it "real." I know I have had many realizations throughout this pregnancy, but this one is a gut sinking one. I cannot believe that in a few weeks I will be a new mother again.  With this gut-sinking-realization has come this raw fear.  I am scared.  With my children now being more independent and us being at a different level as a family unit, I am scared of what a tiny person who will be completely dependent on me will TRULY mean.  Yes, I've done it three other times and I've done it selflessly and without a thought.  Those early days with my children were pure bliss - I was in love.  However, it was a lot of work and strenuous on my husband and I.  As much as we love each other, lack of sleep and time consumption made us bicker.  I am so afraid of change.  Especially now with three busy children who depend on us at a different level.  I ask myself, when did I become afraid of change?  Me, the spontaneous, crazy girl from the Bronx?  I guess motherhood, suburbia, religion, and growth has changed me.

I know that it'll all be okay for God never gives us more than we can handle, but for right now I will indulge this fear.  I will sit here, look around, and ponder "am I really about to have a baby in a few days?"