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Bittersweet

Today was the first day of school and boy did it tug at my heart!  My first born started high school today and boy was it tough.  It was almost inconceivable to me that fourteen years ago, he was just a day old.  Maybe because his birthday was only yesterday, this morning was very nostalgic - all of our years together flashed before my eyes; the baby I nursed, the toddler I napped with, the preschooler I thought, and sending him off to Kindergarten with my heart breaking inside.  Today was just as bad as that morning. When he walked out the door, I sat on the steps and weeped.  I weeped for the beautiful young man that he has become and for that little boy that I miss.  What will I do when he is off to college?  I can't even go there...

Sending my other two little ones was just as hard.  I kissed them over and over again, and in my head I shuddered to think that one day, they too will be off to high school.  For now I will enjoy them being this little,  will hang beautiful drawings on my walls and will post smiley face papers on my fridge because they bring my home joy.  They are reminders that this is a home where children, my children live.

At times during the summer a small yearning of wanting my house neat and some time to myself creeps up.  During the hustle and bustle I think "I'm so tired.  I can't wait till school starts."  However,  it's when they do return that I realize that I don't wish that at all.  I love my job as a mom.  I enjoy the chaos, even if it makes me tired and messes my home. I love my kids.  I love their noise and their laughter.

I don't ever look forward to the time that I must open the cage and allow them to fly off.

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