Almost a Year

I cannot believe how time has flown by. This past year has been so memorable, yet a blur. Does that make sense? LOL. My little girl has brought so much joy and laughter to our home. We adore her and we are so blessed that she is in our lives. Yes, sleep deprivation still exists, but it's so worth it. Sometimes I feel like I want to pull my hair out, but once I look at that little innocent face, I melt. I can't believe that she will be a year old very shortly. I just want to hug her so tight and pray that the minutes tick by slowly.

Quote of the Day

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.  ~Linda Wooten

Cooking

I was cooking yesterday and thought to myself how I take my cooking for granted.  Cooking comes naturally to me.  I come from a large family where all of our gatherings revolve around great food and loud music :) I learned how to cook at an early age by watching my mother and my siblings and then by pitching in.  By the time I was seventeen I was cooking entire meals for my friends.

Cooking is something I enjoy and something that I've given little thought about.  It comes naturally. I am only conscious of being healthy, but not of technique.  That comes easily.  It's not until I hear someone say that they can't even boil water that I am blown away.  In most Latin household cooking is a must.  Una mujer buena cocina - a good woman cooks.  Although I am very open minded and consider myself non-judgmental, I must admit that somewhere deep down inside, I turn my nose up on women who don't know how to cook.  Sorry, but I guess I am a bit old fashion when it comes to certain roles.  To me cooking is a necessity, a way to save money, a way to be able to live on a budget whether you are young and single or have a large family.  Cooking is one of the ways that I show my family love. Fresh baked muffins and hot chocolate on a cold morning.  Buttermilk pancakes,  home style hashbrowns, and fresh fruit when my husband comes in from a 24 hour shift. It gives me so much joy that I can't imagine not being able to express myself with food.  My brother-in-law just graduated from Marine Corps bootcamp and my gift to him was a huge homemade meal - everything from spaghetti and meatballs, to fresh baked bread, oatmeal cranberry cookies, and bread pudding with warm toffee sauce.  It made my heart swell seeing him and our entire family who was visiting, enjoy a  meal that I made from scratch that I labored with love.

Anyway, thinking of cooking made me realize that maybe I should blog about certain dishes that I take for granted.  So within the next few days I will try to include some easy recipes that anyone can try and many will enjoy.  Buen Provecho!

Flipping Garbage Truck!

Holding my pee and delaying my breakfast is worth it when I know the prize will be my sweet baby asleep for a one to two hour nap, while I indulge without her.  I will relieve my poor bladder and drink my cafe con leche and eat a homemade muffin (that I slaved over).  I will enjoy it in the tranquility of a quiet home.  Everyone is gone, the morning chaos over and baby asleep.  Ahhh.

DUM DUM DUM.... Here comes the stupid garbage truck and freaking wakes her up!  

Remedy:  Grab cranky baby, pee with her on my lap, wash hands while balancing her on my knee, pour cafe con leche out of cute mug and into travel mug, drink hastily, and stuff muffin in mouth while leaning over the counter and gently swatting little grabby hands! 

The Sleepeasy Solution: The Exhausted Parent's Guide to Getting Your Child to Sleep from Birth to Age 5

I am really skeptical when it comes to books that "supposedly" help you get your baby to sleep. In desperation I downloaded this book into my Kindle. As I lied in bed with a baby nursing and my arm hurting from the side-lying position (which has been my permanent position for the past six months), I read the book thinking "yeah right." The next day, exhausted from nursing all night and from getting very little real sleep I decided that enough was enough. I love my baby. I don't mind nursing and co-sleeping, but I knew that she was not getting enough sleep and neither was I. We were both very cranky and exhausted for the past few months. It's easier when you have children close in age (at least it was for me)because you are all pretty much on the same schedule. However, this baby is number four and eight years apart from the last child, which means that she goes to many events and is constantly on the go. Being on the go hasn't allowed for a structured nap schedule which means that I HAVE to give her as much "real" sleep at night as possible. What we had been doing was nurse-sleeping and she was in a constant state of light sleep. Anyway, I JUST started The Sleepeasy Solution last night and baby slept in her co-sleeper for 12 hours! The hardest part were the first 30 minutes. Tonight, she went down at 8:00 PM and only fussed for about 7 minutes. I never got to the second or third check-ins. I like this solution because unlike the Ferber Method you don't just let the baby cry it out. This solution is much more friendly and you can customize it to fit your needs. I mean you don't want to customize so much that you are doing the same old thing that didn't work for you to begin with, but you can change the structure a little. It'll probably take longer to yield results if you don't follow it to the T, but it'll still work. I highly recommend this book and I highly recommend you do follow it as written because you will get results almost instantly. This morning I started to feel like my old self and my baby woke up with a big smile on her face. We thoroughly enjoyed our day with lots of play time and happy moments.

Kindness

Sometimes kindness comes when you least expect it, and sometimes from a surprising source.

Teenagers are known for being self-indulgent and sometimes clueless :)  Yes, I have seen these traits in my oldest son once he hit "those years." At times I question if I am parenting the right way.  However, despite the clueless-ness I know that a loving, bright, and selfless young man will one day blossom.  Last night I got a huge glimmer of what he is becoming and it makes me proud.  My son overheard me talking to a friend about how badly I want to read this new Christian book called, "Heaven is for Real," written by a pastor about the accounts told by his four year old little boy about meeting Jesus and going to heaven during a near death experience.  I told my friend that I had the money to buy the book via my Kindle, but then had to use the money on my daughter's lunch account.  I was bummed out, but that's life as a mother :)  Well, later on that night, right after I had tucked everyone in bed and said "good night," there was a knock on my door.  It was my son, holding out a ten dollar bill, as he said "Mom, here you go."  "Honey, what's that for?" I said with a confused smile.  "I want you to get that book you want to read.  You deserve it."  My heart swelled and I fought back tears.

I didn't take the money, but I told him how grateful I was.  His act of kindness was exactly what I needed after a long day and I'd take that over a book any day.

REALLY! Already?

Went to my postpartum visit yesterday.  I got good news and bad news.  The good news got a big yelp out of me, "Really?!"  What was it?  The nurse announce that I weigh 129 pounds.  I didn't expect that! Already? That made my week.  Now I just have to firm up and get my muscle tone back.  Bedrest turned me into a ragdoll.

The bad news I will save for a later post... I want to end this one on a happy note.  One hundred and twenty nine pounds!  YAY!

Lack of Sleep

...is really getting to me!  I feel like I am sleep walking and in a haze most of the time.  My body aches all over from having a baby constantly on me.  I keep telling myself that it'll get better and that's what keeps me going.  Remind me again when babies start sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time.  I love my baby, but boy do I miss sleeping and taking showers that don't include guilt.  It'll get better, right?

Anxiously Awaiting

Within the past few days my husband and I have been preparing for our new arrival.

As my birthday / Christmas present he has indulged me in redecorating our bedroom and buying our baby's big ticket items.  On New Year's Eve we adorned our bed with the new bedding he got me, put together the baby cocoon (co-sleeper swing) and installed our new entertainment / dresser with the help of our wonderful neighbor, who helped carry the heavy piece upstairs and into our bedroom.  Along with that, I detailed the bathroom and did most of the laundry.  Tomorrow I will clean out the fridge, go food shopping, and cook some meals to freeze. Hmmm, nesting perhaps?

I now sit here and look around the beautiful room that was made possible by my husband, and I am grateful.  Along with gratefulness comes the realization that this is all in preparation for a new life.  Yes, I've had over nine months to digest this, but I really haven't.  Seeing all of the baby stuff now makes it "real." I know I have had many realizations throughout this pregnancy, but this one is a gut sinking one. I cannot believe that in a few weeks I will be a new mother again.  With this gut-sinking-realization has come this raw fear.  I am scared.  With my children now being more independent and us being at a different level as a family unit, I am scared of what a tiny person who will be completely dependent on me will TRULY mean.  Yes, I've done it three other times and I've done it selflessly and without a thought.  Those early days with my children were pure bliss - I was in love.  However, it was a lot of work and strenuous on my husband and I.  As much as we love each other, lack of sleep and time consumption made us bicker.  I am so afraid of change.  Especially now with three busy children who depend on us at a different level.  I ask myself, when did I become afraid of change?  Me, the spontaneous, crazy girl from the Bronx?  I guess motherhood, suburbia, religion, and growth has changed me.

I know that it'll all be okay for God never gives us more than we can handle, but for right now I will indulge this fear.  I will sit here, look around, and ponder "am I really about to have a baby in a few days?" 

Cloth Diapering

After MANY hours of research on the good, the bad, and the ugly, I have decided that I WILL try cloth diapering my baby girl.  I will do it in tandem with disposable diapers while I test drive it.  I just think it is healthier (no chemicals) for the baby and better for the environment, not to mention the pocketbook.  However, my sanity is also important, so I am not committing 100%.  I am test driving and we'll see how it works.  

Who knew the world of cloth diapering was so complicated?  There are so many brands and styles to choose from.  There are ways of cleaning them, special detergents to use and not use.  I think my organic detergent should work, but I will double check the ingredients.  I also need some accessories like a wet bag, a stain /odor sprayer, and a diaper pail with liner.  

After much deliberation, I have narrowed my selection to: FuzziBunz, Charlie Banana, and AMP Stay-Dry AIO.   The FuzziBunz and Charlie Banana are both pocket diapers with adjustable elastic and snaps.  This ensures a good fit and no leaks (so they say...) It's basically a waterproof cassing (diaper) with a pocket in the inside where you can slip in an insert (microfiber, hemp, or bamboo).  The insert is your absorbent layer.  Most moms rave about hemp and bamboo because it holds more and there is less / no odor.  The AMP diapers that I'm interested in are considered "AIO - ALL in Ones."  This is the closest you get to a disposable diaper and preferred by most dads, yes, I said dads...lol.  There are no inserts. 

I narrowed my choices down to these because after reading hundreds of reviews these three seem to have the most positive outcomes.  I am also going to email some moms who have bidded on homemade cloth diapers on Ebay to see how they like them.  These are so much cheaper and I would love to love them just to save some more money.  Will keep you posted on this very NEW journey...

Reusable vs Disposable Diaperss

Okay, so most of you know how conscience I am of my carbon footprint and how anal I can be about recycling and reusing.  If you don't know, my husband would be more than happy to tell you how annoying I can get, especially if he accidentally throws a recyclable item in the regular trash.

So, with this in mind I have been toying with the idea of using cloth / reusable diapers.  However, I am also a realist and know the limits to my patience, especially when it comes to poop and pee - oh and lack of sleep.  I tried using cloth diapers with my first child and that lasted two weeks.  Actually, that lasted about two days b/c in the two weeks that I tried, I cheated BIG TIME.  I remember being desperate and riping into this diaper cake decoration that someone gave me at my baby shower (insert sheepish smile). I had it in the room b/c it looked cute, but at 2 AM desperation kicked in and cuteness went out the window. Also, during the "two weeks," my mom was visiting and helping me out. Not to mention I only had one baby to care for and all the time in the world.  I now will have 4 kids, very little time, and no mommy to help (unless she surprises me).

Pros to using reusable diapers:

1. Environmentally friendly
2. They've come a long way since my fourteen year old was first born
3. Some which come with liners can be composted 
4. Better for baby (no chemicals)
5. SOME are cost effective
6. Cute patterns 
7. I can gain some bragging rights and feel a bit superior to those "disposable-diaper-moms."  Hahahaha... dang real I will!  If I am cleaning poop and pee off of cloth while suffering of sleep deprivation, I will brag and will feel superior! 

Cons to using reusable diapers

1. Cleaning poop and pee off of cloth.
2. The ones with liners are more expensive than disposable.
3. I am pretty sure no one else will want to help with this kind of diaper change. 
4. More work.
5. More work.
6. Going insane and being grouchy because I am working more
7. Did I mention the cleaning of poop and pee? 

Pros to using disposable diapers

1. So easy! 
2. No cleaning poop or peed diapers - just toss them out. 
3. No going insane. 
4. Hubby and kids can help change diapers.

Cons to using disposable diapers

1. Horrible for the environment.  By age three, baby will use over 6,000 diapers and it will take anywhere from 350 to 500 years to decompose! 
2. Not as healthy for baby.
3. Not as cute as the cloth 
4. No bragging rights :( 

Now with all this being weighed out, I have NO idea which way I am going.  Also, my goodness, there are so many reusable diapers to choose from!  I don't know where to begin or how some of them even work! I have tons of research to do. 

So the question is will mommy guilt prevail or will sleep deprivation win? I think that will be the final deciding factor... 

Bittersweet

Today was the first day of school and boy did it tug at my heart!  My first born started high school today and boy was it tough.  It was almost inconceivable to me that fourteen years ago, he was just a day old.  Maybe because his birthday was only yesterday, this morning was very nostalgic - all of our years together flashed before my eyes; the baby I nursed, the toddler I napped with, the preschooler I thought, and sending him off to Kindergarten with my heart breaking inside.  Today was just as bad as that morning. When he walked out the door, I sat on the steps and weeped.  I weeped for the beautiful young man that he has become and for that little boy that I miss.  What will I do when he is off to college?  I can't even go there...

Sending my other two little ones was just as hard.  I kissed them over and over again, and in my head I shuddered to think that one day, they too will be off to high school.  For now I will enjoy them being this little,  will hang beautiful drawings on my walls and will post smiley face papers on my fridge because they bring my home joy.  They are reminders that this is a home where children, my children live.

At times during the summer a small yearning of wanting my house neat and some time to myself creeps up.  During the hustle and bustle I think "I'm so tired.  I can't wait till school starts."  However,  it's when they do return that I realize that I don't wish that at all.  I love my job as a mom.  I enjoy the chaos, even if it makes me tired and messes my home. I love my kids.  I love their noise and their laughter.

I don't ever look forward to the time that I must open the cage and allow them to fly off.

Decisions

Have you ever felt God talking to you, calling you to do something, yet you choose to ignore Him?

For the past year I have felt that God has been calling me to be a better mom. Like my good friend Father Deusterhaus says "God calls you to be a great mom, not a good one." Well, lately I've been a good mom period. I am being pulled in too many directions. School and work are taking up a lot of my time. Yes, I am blessed to have a job where I can work mostly from home, but it still takes me away from my family. I am physically there, but not really present. And school, I've dreamed of being a nurse for a very long time and I am only three classes away from being in nursing school, so why would God choose to call me to do something else when I am sooooo close?

Late at night, when I am alone with my thoughts, I feel this yearning in my heart for a simpler life. I think back at times when my children were younger and they make me smile. I miss playdates, naps, and our daytime routine. I miss leisure. Right now my life is structured, but in a way that leaves very little time for leisure. I guess I miss JUST being a stay-at-home mom. However, I am scared to give up the dream. I've worked so hard. Have learned things in school that I thought I was incapable of learning. When the sun is up and life kicks in, God's voice dims and I give into society. I give into the notion that being a mom is just not enough. In school I feel smart. I feel vigorous and want more. However, I feel that what God is calling me to do, is dramatic. It's not just about me ending my schooling and quitting me job. If you can believe, its bigger than that. I feel that He is calling me to something extraordinary - what that is, I am yet to find out.

Sometimes I question, "is God really talking to me?" or is it mommy guilt that is making me feel like quitting my dream. I honestly don't know. I am being very candid here because I want input. I am at a crossroads and don't know what to do.

Pray for me that I may listen with my heart.

Yaya's Top Ten Funniest Sayings

The other day I was talking with someone about some of the funny things that my mother says, and later in the day it got me thinking of my mom. I was walking through the supermarket and I actually randomly laughed out loud. People must have thought I was nuts. I got such a kick out of thinking of my mom that I had to post this...

10. He's no Paul Newman.
(This is said to any man who thinks he is good looking).
9. Come here Missy Foo / Mr. Foo
(??? she calls everyone this. I still don't know who Foo is).
8. Carambolas
(This is yelled out when she gets hurt, surprised, etc. It may be a form of caramba?)
7. Whatcha talking bout Willis?
(My mom looked at me one day & said this! I almost peed my pants.)

6. I am still waiting for my marriage license to expire.

5. Don't go into the fridge after a hot shower. Your face will freeze in place.
4. El diablo empuja
(The Devil Pushes. In order words, be careful with temptation)
3. Turn off the lights! I don't sleep with Con Edison.
(Con Edison is the electric company in NYC. Since she's not Con Edison's mistress she still has to pay the electric bill...lol)
2. You think I am married to Rockerfeller? Go get a job.

Drum roll please. The number one funny thing my mom says...

1. I may be short but I can still reach your face

Kids are so funny...

My Catholic friends will appreciate this one...

So, my youngest son and daughter are in the middle of a heated argument, as a mom my ears quickly puckered up. I overhear my daughter say "Well, GIRLS are better than boys b/c Mother Teresa was a girl and she was the best!" and my son quickly responds "Oh yeah! Well let me see her turn the Eucharist into the body of Christ!"

LOL! After quietly laughing to myself, I had to do my motherly duty and explain to them that both boys and girls (men and women) are special. We were created in God's image, He loves us all and blessed each of us with unique qualities.

I tell you though, that was a great comeback on my son's part. I am really starting to believe him when he says he will become a priest one day.

Motherhood

Why is it that a mom can stomach almost anything when it comes to her children?

For instance, the other night after I finally sat down to rest my feet and read a book that I've been longing for all week, I hear my name being called. Now it wasn't your regular "Mom I need a cup of water" or "Mom can I have another hug?" Oh no, this was a mom-I-really-need-you-or-I-am-going-to-die, type of mom. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, my book was tossed, my cape was don on and I was flying up the stairs. The stench hit me even before I reached the room. Ugh, what's worst then poop? VOMIT! My twelve year old was awakened to vomiting! He was fine before he went to bed?! Why? WHY? WHY? WAHHHHH! It was all over his bed, on the floor, some on the wall! For a minute I thought I needed to call my priest to perform an exorcism. It was horrible. The worst part was that for a split nano-second (right before sympathy kicked in) I was angry about the mess. What a horrible mom. My poor guy is sick and all I can think about is how terrible it's going to be to clean up this mess. However, my maternal instincts kicked in and I scooped my big guy up and helped him to the bathroom. Yes, mother's have superhero strength under extreme circumstances. I learned in my anatomy and physiology class that this is your sympathetic system in action. Boy, was my sympathetic system in full gear. I think my body even stopped my bladder from producing pee. I was in maniac-I-want-these-germs-and-this-stench-out-of-my-house-immediately mode. After my son showered, and I made him a comfy make shift bed on the floor of my room - careful not to wake my sound asleep husband from his blissful state of ignorance and deep sleep, I then tackled the mess. I mixed a concoction of essential oils (cloves, lemon, eucalyptus, and rosemary) to disinfect. Shoot, it worked in the 15th century to avoid getting the plague, so it should work on vomit! I had to toss the sheets. Better to spend $15 at Walmart for a new set then to have to put that in my machine! Funny how a pair of Walmart sheets can easily replace ones from Bed, Bath, and Beyond under extreme duress. I am not one to throw things out easily, but trust me, this was something NO ONE should see. Hazmat would want nothing to do with this! Like a mad animal I cleaned until the room was squeaky and smelling fresh. After going to war with my son's room, I fell into bed exhausted, forgetting the wonderful book that I had longed to read all week.